not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
