He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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