i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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