Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
