We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
