he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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