I just pynch a tree in the face
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Why can't burritos get me drunk
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
