pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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