Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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