just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
