My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
