i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
