pedialite and red bull = repair kit
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
