A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Dicks are not precious.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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