I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
