Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
