I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
