Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
