my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
