Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
