Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
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