if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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