Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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