he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
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I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
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Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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