This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
