No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
