Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
