Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
