last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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