I puked a lego.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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