So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
