dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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