I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You took a bar mat shot.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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