Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
