I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I feel like abortions should bother me more
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
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I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
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He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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