Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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