I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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