they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
