if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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