remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
