my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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