Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
