Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wish you could order shots online.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
