Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There r osticjed everywhere
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
