ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
