1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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