weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
