If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
