She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
