So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
