god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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