i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
