Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I am one with the molecules
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
