It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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