I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I need mimosas to revive my soul
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
