I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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